Most precious thing in life

"What is the most precious..."
I answer: life is the most precious thing.
...But that is a given, and that is why the question continues:
"... thing in life?"

I dunno. Consciousness, perhaps?
Thought and ability to perceive?
Emotions, to feel joy, cry, hate?
Love and compassion? Mercy and forgiveness? Understanding and tolerance? Peace and harmony?
Too abstract? Too hypocritical?

To live may be the most important thing in life.
And to live with death in mind, at that.
Life can only be realised through death, so death must be quite important.
Yes, I think death is more important than life. Death makes people live their lives.

But what I value most in life is liberation from placing value on things.
Liberation from categories and distinctions, from weighing and judging others, from 'my' own thoughts and perception, from concepts such as liberation.

But I probably don't want to go down this pursuit if I want to live...

"aren't we all?" (High school life part two)

Kominami commented in response to my previous entry on high school identity:

I still don't think I belong to the so-called high-agari people in the ICU(univ.) community.

And in ICU high school I was keeping myself to myself a lot.

Which doesn't mean I was like you Kan, because that wouldn't ring true. So don't worry.(hahaha)

All I wanted to say was.. aren't we all?

That basically summarises part two of 'Coming to Terms with my High School Life'.

I am also like him. I don't identify with the 'high-agari' lot at uni. And I took it quite extreme, especially at the beginning, where I deliberately tried not to associate myself with that place.

But Mr. Kominami says: aren't we all?

The strange revelation I had after my visit to high school was that indeed, not only that silly chap Mr. Kominami but a significant number of graduates felt that they did not identify with their high school culture. In many ways they assert that they do not want to go back to their high school years, and feel little emotional attachment to the school.

And yet these people (including me) decided to return that day, and met up by chance.

Now liberated from direct influence of HS culture, they were able to talk frankly about these matters, and reflect on their past. There a part of the truth of ICUHS identity is discovered: that the notion of rejecting the high school culture is a prominent characteristic of this identity.

And then I realised that I was not alone, and then 'high-agari' lost negative meaning in me. In a sense, I was liberated from that. I had come to terms with my high school life.

But my friend Kominami, who is included in 'we' when you say "aren't we all?"

Me

Who am I? Actually, I don't know.
I am myself, am I not? Well, I don't know. Am I really myself? Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not.

Perhaps I am what I am not.
But perhaps I am also what I am not. Then again, I may not be what I am.

So who then, am I? And is it that important?
Yes, it is reassuring for people to be able to identify 'me'.
I need to be put into categories, so that I may be judged and percieved.

So here you are:
Species: homo sapiens
Name: Kan
Place of origin: Earth

And to be more specific, my passport is issued by the Japanese State, and I am expected to use the men's restroom, and I was born into the middle class.


My birthplace is Tsukiji (Tokyo), and my former towns of residence are Chicago (US), Modena (Italy), Chiba and Numazu (Japan) and Malmö (Sweden). I will no longer be a teenager starting tomorrow.
I also happen to be an former section CA 14-April 'high-agari' 'returnee' sophmore student at ICU who is planning on majoring in Japan Studies.
I am a pedestrian when I am on the road, and a pagan when I am in church, an asian when in Europe, a son and brother when at home, and a traveller in my free time, and all the time I desire liberation from all these categories.
And when I am writing this blog, I am your friend.

Coming to Terms with my High School Life?

I am not a 'high-agari' in heart.
During the three years in high school, I lead a life parallel in time to 'high school life'. It was a life that took place in the same place as 'high school life', but it was never 'high school life'.
Some parts of this life I shared partially, to some friends. But for the most part, it belonged solely to me. And 'high school life' was a river that I never sailed down.


By chance or by fate, I got to revisit my high school (ICUHS) for the first time today (Kominami and Kaori will verify this). And it was most strange. Quite surreal. Bizarre.
It was an experience that made me come to terms with my past -- my 'high school life'.

Because, you see, in high school, I did not lead the 'high school life' as my fellow classmates.

I was quite reluctant to join the crowd; at times I felt like wanting to have nothing to do with ICUHS culture, and I gave up the effort to remember people's names from very early on. I rejected ICUHS culture, though not openly, and I can say for myself that I did not fit in (although I believe I was somewhat of a central part to the class, and perhaps to the entire grade).

People, of course, were great, and I knew that they were good people, and loved them and wished them well, but things just did not feel right (you have to take my word for it!). I wished to be left alone.

So I 'liberated' myself by going solo most of the time, and pursuing the ideas in my head to my heart's content.
I drew landscapes on the entire blackboard, wandered around the forest, disregarded popular flow, dragged timber infront of the classroom (to use as a bench), sang random songs to random people randomly, ate everyone's snacks, made a corner of the library my room, glided from social group to another... , but basically spent the entire high school life lying in the courtyard gazing up at the sky.

Now this, it turns out, proved very bad, for I came to be quite well-known for these actions (which I am myself to blame). One of my former classmates reminded me today: through popular vote, the Student Council officially gave me the title 'Free-going ICU-kinda guy'. Which sounds nice, I know, but it signified that I was very much a part of ICUHS culture.

But anyways, my attitude doomed me to lead an overall fake social life with weak human relations. And when I revisited ICUHS today, I was let down. I expected to find a part of my history, but there was nothing to grasp. I was a complete stranger in my own high school. The courtyard that I loved was completely foreign. It was as if I had no past. That was completely strange.

Kaori seemed to sympathise. She said that the loss of the past, of something familiar, is always frightening. And the friend who took me there also claimed something similar.
And as I took refuge in a desolate room, three comrades came in, also in retreat. They were people with similar feelings, of similar history (or non-history), whom I had never met. This was also most strange. We immediately sympathised with one another, and it felt as if we had been friends during our high school years.

...

to be continued (perhaps?)

Things that stress me out

Mark,

It becomes stressful when I see a list of things I need (or think I need) to do.
Things to do: weekly papers, exams, mid-term essays...
And nothing is as stressful as to feel obliged to get things done, to be chained to expectation.

So I'll start by getting these blog entries off my 'to-do list'. That is one way of relieving stress.
Or I could say: enough with all this! And forget about 'obligations' and 'expectations'. I can decide not to do these. I could, theoretically.

But that is not a option for me. When these 'things to do' are so close up to my face, the only solution I can see is to remove the 'things to do' out of my sight. I remove them by getting the 'things to do' done.

I am blinded to see that I can just walk away and free myself from stress. But wait. Even if I turn away, the 'things to do' would not have been removed. If I turn my head a little, I would catch a glimpse of the 'things to do'. My line of sight would not be free 360 degrees.

Then, new 'things to do' would pile up. I would then look away. Then comes more. 27o. 180. 90. ... And my line of sight will keep narrowing and narrowing, until I am finally trapped in a world surrounded by 'things to do'. No escape then. They would keep piling up on me, crushing me. That would mean defeat.

And that is why I write this blog entry. One 'thing to do' removed.


And another thing too: it isn't that I don't enjoy doing the 'things to do'. It just becomes stressful when they start piling up. どうしたもんかねぇ。(Oh, what to do).


Cheers,

Kan

Do I like to write?

Yes, I do like to write.
I do not like to type on a computer, or a typewriter, though.
I like to see hand-written words. Typed fonts do not have the same warmth.

I want to be free from writing in straight consecutive lines. I want my words to roam freely on blank sheets of paper.
They should not wander outside of the paper though. I want to see how creative and interesting they can get without them getting outside the box.

I like to write to to people, to individuals. Not to the masses or multitude swarming on the Internet. I find it uncomfortable to direct words to an abstract such as 'the People'. That is no different from writing to oneself. Writing to myself is something I find strange. That would seem that there are two people in me --the writer and the reader.
I will write to friends, family... they are more personal.

Now I see that I think of writing as a means of expressing myself to others.

Why I decided to take "You:[...]"

I was taught to do academic writing in freshmen ELP, and I became very good at it.
I could write to satisfy the professors, and this was because I understood the logic of acedemic writing.

But the writing that the professors approved of did not seem to be mine; my academic writing was not coming from me.

When I am writing academically, I have to pretend to be someone else. I take an opinion or a position on a matter, and try to pursuade myself that I believe that that is true.
Then I start writing like a robot. I construct my ideas in a structured logic that would hopefully persuade the readers, and start to write. I write a personal opinion (and this 'personal opinion' is not mine to begin with) and argue as if it is universally true. Of course I include opposing ideas to show non-bias, but that is all part of the game. In the end, the victor is always the thesis statement.

I feel that academic writing de-humanises its writers, which is sometimes even frightening.

I thought I'd like a try at personal writing -- not writing about myself, but writing from myself.
Writing words which are mine, writing without having to rely on the authority of others to support my words, writing free from structure, rules, and logic.

That is why I decided to take 'You:[...]'.